Hit the Road Jack
Stoop cat's gonna leave the stoop!
Hi there, friend.
I am so sorry I haven’t been in touch much lately. Inspired by a few books1 that I enjoyed recently, I decided to hit the open road and explore this country from tip to tail. The old bag just turned 250, so I figured I’d better see her purple mountains’ majesty and amber waves of grain while they are still here.
I tried to send you postcards from each stop along the way, but once I got back home, I realized they had all been returned to me.
Don’t you still live at:420 Blazeit Way #692
Booger Hole, WV 80085
Well, I am sorry you couldn’t hear about my trip sooner, but I painstakingly transcribed all my postcards here for you so you can catch up on my antics. Miss you, and I hope to hear from you soon.
XOXO
Your friend,
Stoop Cats
Stop #1: Chicago, IL
Hi there,
I have officially kicked off my road trip across the U.S. I figured what better place to start than the Midwest, the heart of the country. Chicago seemed an apt place to begin since it gave me a chance to meet up with my old friends Sport and Pepper. These two local foodies wanted to show me the “back alley” of Chicago’s famed culinary scene, and they promised they had ins at the city’s hottest restaurants. True, they did take me to some notable spots like Kasama, Schwa, and even Alinea, but instead of being seated at one of the tables, they would bring me around the back, insisting that they preferred dining “al fresco.” I always thought al fresco dining included tables and chairs, but I trusted my two local experts and sat on the ground beside them. As I expected, the meals were all experimental and had interesting presentations. A few were even plated as if someone else had eaten part of them. The flavors were like nothing I had ever tasted before… and nothing I want to taste again, but I appreciated Sport and Pepper’s insights into Chicago’s culinary underground.
More soon,
SC
Stop #2: New Glarus, WI
Grüezi Kumpel!
As you well know, I have always wanted to go to Switzerland. I’ve dreamt of skiing on the slopes of the Matterhorn, riding the Jungfrau Railway, and using their banks to avoid taxes. When I learned “America’s Little Switzerland” was just a short drive from Chicago, I immediately put it on my road trip agenda. Upon arriving in New Glarus, I was immediately enchanted by the Heimatstil-style buildings, the tidy landscaping, and the use of Helvetica on much of the local signage. While perusing an antique shop, I started chatting with the proprietress, Flurina. We became fast friends, and she invited me to join her and her husky associate, Niklaus, for dinner at the Glarner Stube. We shared stories over fondue, schublig, schoggi griessköpfli, and many, many pints of Spotted Cow (the local brew made right down the road!). I hope we can all stay in touch even after this trip. Anyway, now I am snuggled in my bed at the local chalet with my belly and heart full.
Viele Grüße,
SC
Stop #3: Denver, CO
Helllllooooo down there,
I made it to the Mile High City, and there is just something about the air here. Maybe it’s the altitude, or the forests of Blue Spruce trees, or something more… dank and sticky. I can’t put my finger on it. Whatever it is, it reinvigorated me, and I felt bold enough to attempt one of the hardest hikes in the area, Mount Morrison. It was excruciating, but as I crested the mountain’s 7,881-ft peak, I saw a figure with a striking orange coat alone at the summit. They were bathed in a sunbeam that was so pointed it almost seemed to be a spotlight. They looked over at me and motioned for me to join them, and so I did. We didn’t say a word to each other, but as we looked out at LoDo, RiNo, SoCo, and all of the other truncated neighborhoods of Denver in the distance, I felt a sense of peace that I had never felt before. Hours must have passed this way because when I finally decided I was ready to descend the mountain, the sun was starting to set and my wise, ginger-colored friend was nowhere to be found. During the rest of my time here, I kept thinking I saw glimpses of them in restaurants, on porches, pet store windows, and once anchoring the Denver7 news, but by the time I did a double take, they were gone. Whoever (or whatever) they are, I hope I get to see them again one day.
Love,
SC
P.S. I saw your post. I was sorry to hear about the breakup. Chad was always a jerk. His obsession with collecting chewed gum always weirded me out. You’re so much better off without him.
Stop #4: Seattle, WA
Hi friend,
I’m here in Seattle to visit my friend and music historian, Rhoda. After her shift at the local radio station, we set out to visit several notable music venues in the city. The Crocodile for up-and-coming grunge acts, Egan’s Ballard Jam House for jazz, and The Kraken Bar & Lounge for a quick punk show. Along the way, she shared tales of Seattle’s long music history. It’s hard to believe that one city could be the origin of so many musical greats like Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Sir Mix-a-lot, Carrie Brownstein, Macklemore, and, of course, Kenny G. At the end of the night, Rhoda took me to an unmarked building at the edge of town. I was nervous but followed her in and was delighted to find it was a karaoke bar. The energy was high, and the audience seemed happy to hear anyone sing any song (even the off-key rendition of Kissed from a Rose by Seal got a standing ovation). I was content to stay in the audience, but Rhoda convinced me to join her on stage for a White Lightning and Wine by Seattle natives Ann & Nancy Wilson and their little ol’ band, Heart. Thank god for Rhoda’s charisma. I would have never done that without her.
Cheers,
SC
P.S. Jo called me and told me that Joey told them that Josie told him that Joe heard that now Chad is moving to Maine. Isn’t that where his ex, Taylor, lives? I really hope it’s just a weird coincidence.
Stop #5: Oakland, CA
Hello again,
Wow. This stop on the trip was a weird one. Oakland was a delightful city, but the guest house I stayed in was a nightmare. Things were off from the moment I arrived. Firstly, none of the entry instructions worked. When I went to the main house for help, Scud, the owner, answered, and before I could say a thing, he told me, “I’m busy. Come back later.” As I walked back to my car, I could see him through the window; he was just staring into the corner of the ceiling, unblinking, and chattering to himself. Eventually, we sorted it out, and I got into the guest house to get settled. I went to get myself a glass of ice water, and when I opened the freezer, it was full to bursting with mice. I marched over to confront Scud about this and was met with, “Oh yeah, those are for…. uhhh… my snake… yeah, my snake needs those… sorry.” Then he handed me a few loose ice cubes as if that would appease me. The last straw was that night. I was startled awake by the sound of scratching on the wall right behind my head. I carefully peeked out the window to investigate, and there was Scud just scratching away at the wall. I yelled his name, and he suddenly stood straight up and bolted into the night. I woke up the next morning and left the key and a note for Scud telling him I was cutting my stay short. I’m still waiting to hear if the rental website will reimburse me. I guess they’ve had a hard time getting ahold of him…
Miss you bunches,
SC
P.S. So Georgina told me that George told her that Georgette told them that Georgetopher told her that Taylor is 7 months pregnant?! Could it be someone else’s? Surely Chad wasn’t two-timing you this whole time…..
Stop #6: Cane Beds, AZ
Hi again friend,
I’ve met a lot of characters during this trip, but none more interesting than the duo that helped me with my flat tire. Get this. I was on my way to the Grand Canyon. Just cruising along a back road through southern Utah into Arizona when my back right tire exploded. I was feeling utterly helpless when, out of nowhere, a couple pedaled up on a tandem bike. They offered to take me to their campsite just up the road, where I could use their phone and wait for a tow. Seeing no other option, I hopped on their pegs, and we all rode off. Let me just say, the “campsite” was more like a five-star resort. A collection of pristine A-frame cabins circled a fountain with a Greco-Roman sculpture of my two roadside helpers, Bolo and Turquoise. I soon learned that after a catnip doping scandal and then a humiliating loss in the Tour de Cats, they retired and opened this luxury campground, named This Side of Purradise. The couple set everything up with their own four paws (even the sculpture). After managing the tow truck and car repairs, Bolo and Turquoise were kind enough to let me stay at one of their cabins for free in exchange for staying up to tell stories around the campfire.
Warmly,
SC
P.S. I was doing a little Instagram creeping research, and apparently Taylor isn’t the only one in Maine. All of Chad’s ex’s live in Maine now. Alex, Jordan, Jolene, Fred, Bobby, Vee, Thelma, Louise, Justin… all of them. Isn’t that strange? Most of them just moved there within the past 3 months…..
Stop #7: San Antonio, TX
OH! MY! GOSH! You won’t believe this. I had been having the best time in San Antonio; I stopped by the Alamo (of course), explored The Pearl, and ate a delicious meal at Mi Tierra when I decided to take a stroll through Market Square. As I was walking, I nearly tripped over….Wemby! WEMBY!!! No, no, not that Wemby (I don’t think anyone could trip over him). The cutest kitten in all of Texas, WEMBY. While she is not as tall as her namesake, she is just as sweet and is surely destined for the same levels of greatness. While we talked, she told me her whole life story. From her rough beginnings on the street to being adopted by a local firefighter to her now cushy life as an aspiring influencer. While it covered a lot, the story was quite short since she’s not even a year old!? Gosh, imagine being even half as accomplished as she is at our age.
All the best,
SC
P.S. I saw Chad on the news today. The FBI is looking for him. He was running a cult in the woods?! I guess he has been taking all of his former partners there to construct a monument made entirely out of used gum in an attempt to make contact with extraterrestrials…. Did you know about this? The FBI says that he needs to be stopped. Do you think Chad knows too much? Dang, it’s almost lucky that he dumped you. You really dodged a bullet.
Stop #8: Savannah, GA
My dearest friend,
Like all good things, this trip, too, must come to an end. My last stop was Savannah, Georgia, where I joined a ghost tour led by H. Eebie and J. Eebie, cousins and certified ghost experts. They led our group around the most haunted spots of Savannah. We saw the 17Hundred90 Inn, which is haunted by a woman who threw herself from the third floor after a pretty bad breakup. I guess she is still working through these issues in the afterlife by moving objects around the place. Then we stopped by The Marshall House, which once served as a medical facility for those infected with yellow fever. It’s said that apparitions of former patients (and ghosts of the mosquitoes that infected them) show up from time to time. By far the scariest stop on the tour was The Smith Manor. A sprawling estate that was once home to over 200 cats but now belongs to a scant dozen or so. When old lady Smith, the original caretaker of the vast feline colony, passed away, her no-good nephew tried to claim the home for himself. Her horde of cats rebelled against this intruder, and he was killed in a raucous struggle. Since then, many have claimed that the ghost of the nephew can still be seen wandering the halls. Doomed to clean the litterboxes of both the living and the dead cats of the house for eternity. It’s giving me chills to even write it out. That one is really going to keep me up tonight. Here’s hoping I can still get a good night’s rest before making the long journey home.
Can’t wait to see you soon,
SC
P.S. I saw on the news that Chad is on the run. No one can find him, and it’s suspected that he’s hiding out with a known associate. Do you know anything about that?
Reach Out!
Questions? Complaints? Requests? Have I gone off the deep end? Do I need to be stopped?
Leave a comment and let me know what you think and what you’d like to see in future installments. Or tell me if this has finally gone too far.
Hi there, real me here. I recently read Adult Braces by Lindy West, Raw Dog by Jamie Loftus, and Run for the Hills by Kevin Wilson. All are filled with cross-country adventures, big feelings, and, in one book… a lot of hot dogs (I’ll let you guess which). They are all like that Britney Spears movie, Crossroads, but better! Check them out if you are feeling like hitting the open road but don’t actually want to leave your house.
This joke never gets old. Also, Booger Hole, WV is a real place with a strange history. Maybe stop by during your own road trip.